Toxic Relationships
Lesson Two: Toxic Relationships
1. Look around on the internet and you will find several definitions of what a relationship is or is supposed to be. However, the definition we’ll use for Lesson Two is the following: A particular type of connection which exists between people related to or having dealings with each other (definition courtesy of dictionary.reference.com). For the purposes of this lesson let’s assume that this definition represents the various types of healthy relationships we’re used to hearing about (i.e., family relationships, relationships with friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc, etc,).
2. An important part of healthy relationships is a little thing called self-esteem. I think we also need to define that term too, so here it is: Pride in oneself, self-respect; positive self-esteem is viewing yourself as a competent and worthy person; a sense of one’s own dignity or worth (definition courtesy of answers.com). Have you noticed how this definition fits nicely into the concept of P.O.W.E.R? But how does it fit that concept? Where would it match up, would it fall under Pride or Ownership? I think these are important questions that you need to answer, but more importantly, you need to understand that a lack of positive self-esteem can in some circumstances lead to unhealthy or ‘Toxic Relationships.’
3. We will define toxic relationships as those that result in the physical or mental abuse of either (or both) participants in a relationship to include associated family members. So as you can tell from the title of this lesson that’s what we will be talking about. At some point in your life you will be involved with a significant other…someone who means a lot to you, in other words, a person you find special. Special, special enough to develop a relationship with (remember Paragraph 1) and do stuff like go out, watch movies, or whatever. So it’s important that you treat this person respectfully, honestly, and fairly and this person treats you the same. Remember P.O.W.E.R? Let me give you an example of something negative that highlights what we’re talking about. You are at home waiting for that special someone to call and they never do. Two days pass and you finally see this person so you approach them and attempt to discuss the reason for the mix-up. Before you can finish the discussion this person grabs you hard enough to hurt, twisting your wrist in the process and then tells you to never question what they do and then storms off. Later on you receive a call from your ‘special someone’ and during the course of the conversation this person tells you that it’s your fault your wrist hurts because you should not have caused them to get angry by asking them questions about their personal business.
4. As a young person, this excuse may sound reasonable to you. Perhaps it was your fault, maybe ‘special someone’ had a bad day and you set them off because you don’t understand them and they are a bit moody. So you apologize for making them mad and make up. If this has happened to you, or this type of behavior sounds like it makes sense then you need to continue reading. First of all, NO ONE EVER HAS THE RIGHT TO HURT OR ABUSE YOU, EVER! Secondly, you must remember that you have a divine, if not legal right to exist, to be yourself, and interact with other people in a relationship in such a manner that both of you benefit from each others company. If this is not happening in your relationship and you’re being abused then you need to leave. Remember the definition of self-esteem? If a person is treating you in such a manner as to violate that definition then how can the relationship be cool or good for you?
5. As we said before, people come from different backgrounds and life experiences. Consequently, they will view life differently and have diverse opinions and attitudes about any number of things. The key to developing a healthy relationship is communicating with your significant other about your values, how you view life, what you stand for, and how you expect to be treated…and then work towards making those things happen in your relationship. In return they should do the same. However, since people do come from various backgrounds and experiences there are some who will not be able to do what we just talked about or feel they must lie to accomplish it. These people can be dangerous and are half of a toxic relationship. The other half is the person who has poor self-esteem ( a negative picture of oneself and or a poor self image) who will allow this toxic individual to imprint or project their problems onto them or their family members (and children). Let’s look at some behaviors that could be considered as indicators of an abusive personality or toxic relationship:
a. Pushes for quick involvement: This person comes on strong. Making claims such as “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser presses for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
b. Jealousy: Excessively possessive; calls or texts constantly or visits or shows up unexpectedly. Continually checks on you to the point of obsessiveness. Does things like tries to tap into your landline answering machine, steals or checks your cell phone for incoming calls, checks the mileage on your car, or installs spyware on your electronic media.
c. Controlling: Questions you intensely about whom you talked to and where you were; controls funds, and makes you ask permission for everything. This last behavior can be very subtle, so subtle in fact that it almost goes unnoticed. You’ll hear things like “You should have checked with me first, or I’m unhappy or disappointed that I wasn’t part of the decision making process.” Also see ‘b’ above.
d. Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet their every need and or demand.
e. Isolation: Tries to cut you off from family and friends. The abuser may deprive you of a phone, car, or access to other people.
f. Blames others for problems or mistakes: With this person it’s always someone else’s fault when something goes wrong…and that includes you always being the reason for the problem.
g. Makes others responsible for their feelings: This person says things like. “You make me angry,” or “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you to do…you don’t love me.”
h. Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted. Continually rants about the injustice of things that are just a normal part of life. This behavior goes way beyond venting about daily frustrations, see ‘f’ above.
i. Cruelty to animals or children: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (e.g., spanks a 2-year old for wetting their diaper). Remember, readily available information indicates that people who abuse their partner will also abuse their children.
j. Playful use of force during intimate moments: Enjoys hurting you or holding you against your will. Often apologizes later but these incidents continue and increase in level of intensity and severity.
k. Verbal abuse: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly hurtful and cruel things about or to you. This may also involve sleep deprivation through the use of relentless verbal abuse to wake you at odd hours and inappropriate times.
l. Rigid gender or emotional roles: Expects you to serve, obey, and do certain things not necessarily in accordance with your upbringing or values.
m. Sudden mood swings: Quickly and unexpectedly switches from sweet to violent.
n. Incidents of past battering: Admits to hitting a significant other in the past but says the person “made” them do it.
o. Threats of violence: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck,” or “I’ll kill you,” or “I’ll throw boiling water on you while you sleep,” then dismisses such statements with comments such as, “Everyone talks that way,” or “I was just joking,” or “I didn’t really mean it…you know I love you.”
6. Of course there will be times when you argue with your sigficant other. But arguments should always be limited to talking about the behavior that you are concerned with. As an example, instead of verbally attacking someone and calling them names because they eat too much. Your concern is much better expressed if you tell them you care for them and that over-eating can lead to excessive weight, heart disease, and diabetes. And as a result of those things both of you need to explore methods to overcome the problem…and then follow through and help them do it. Remember, name calling, in your face confrontations, and putting your hands on someone else (punching, kicking, slapping, etc) is uncalled for and should never, ever, happen…not even once. If this has already happened to you in your relationship, it will most probably happen again, you cannot change the person doing it unless they’re willing to accept outside intervention. So if that’s not happening then you need to move on as quickly as possible.
7. Don’t forget that once you enter into a relationship, you don’t give up being who you were. No one should make you feel less important than you are, or attempt to project their beliefs and attitudes onto you, by making you give up or forget what you know is right and true. Go back and read through the first module and you’ll see how all of the different lessons relate to each other and of course, you.
Conclusion: Always remember to respect yourself and like who you are. Never let anyone tear you down or insist that you are less than you know you need to be. That’s a dangerous game to play and anyone doing that to you cannot have your best interests at heart, so leave them alone and move on. Developing a healthy relationship should be a constant exercise in learning how best to deal with others. Through the continued exploration and development of that learning process, both people become better individuals and the relationship gets stronger; anything less than that is unacceptable. Feel free to let me know if you did or did not like this particular lesson by leaving your comments or complaints on the site. Note: This briefing guide was adapted from an article that appeared in the ‘Dear Abby’ column of the Alamogordo Daily News.
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May 7th, 2010 at 3:37 pm
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